I haven’t managed to go on holiday abroad for 10 years, and the last time my family went abroad 3 years ago, I didn’t manage to go with them due to my anxiety beating me.
Not only is it something I massively want to do for myself in achieving it, but also for my family and mainly my daughter.
I have no problem being in another country, away from home, on a plane or in a car…. My struggle is the duration I’m not in my safe space, where I can stay and be comfortable feeling anxious or ill, which would be at home or the hotel.
Knowing I’ve got to be feeling extremely anxious or ill for 6 or more hours while travelling and not in a safe space is the part that I struggle with and maybe even scares me.
And then, once I’m there, I know I HAVE to do it again to get back home, and it’s a certain day and time that can’t be changed, and I need to do it to get home, it’s somewhat more daunting than the journey there.
Saying that though, I’ve had the best year and improvement with my anxiety, and it’s been like a preparation and build up for the holiday.
I’m feeling a lot more confident and ready this time, but I’m still very anxious and worried.
Especially as the last month has been very tough mentally with MHFC, the challenges and stressful situations it’s brought up and all at the same time.
I’ve struggled (at some points I’ve been extremely bad and had to take diazepam to try and help calm me) and I’m still struggling, but doing my best to keep going, going to events and meetings, not only to try and help my mental health but also to keep pushing MHFC.
I’ve put my phone on do not disturb and thankfully have help with MHFC to try and take pressure off me, but I’m certainly winding down for the holiday and will get back to more people after the holiday, so if I don’t respond currently, I’m sorry but hope you understand.
A week or so before the holiday, I’m completely going offline, so I can be in the best place mentally to go on the holiday and also stay offline while I’m on holiday.
I didn’t want to be completely offline, but I feel it’s needed so nothing stresses, triggers or risks the holiday.
Another thing I didn’t want to do, but again feel is needed, is to not attend or book any meetings or events in the week leading up to it, to give me the best chance.
(I’m also going to be missing a few events while I’m away, which I’m gutted about, but that was always going to happen to some extent.)
Thank you to the MHFC team for all the help and support recently, and in particular, Kev, Jack and Mark for taking control of MHFC areas and sessions, it’s very much appreciated and helping me massively.
I’m still feeling massive guilt, as I posted about it last time, but it’s still very much there, knowing I’m posting and telling people that I’m struggling, but attending events and meetings.
I don’t think it looks great or like I’m telling the truth from others looking, but for the first time in my life, I’m trying to continue as normal as possible to attend events and meetings while struggling to keep myself from feeling worse.
So I really know how it feels now to be struggling, but I put on a ‘happy’ mask to continue doing stuff, but it doesn’t give false impressions.
I feel guilty because I’m open about struggling, but people are seeing event photos with me smiling, I do hope people understand.
Thank you so much to everyone who’s helped and supported me, whether it be at events, networking, meetings, through MHFC or anything else, thank you as you’ve helped put me in this better position for the holiday.
I hope one of the next posts I do is about me going on the holiday, it all going well, and me having a great time 🤞🙏
Click here to read my previous anxiety posts.
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